Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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