Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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