New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
