Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
