Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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