I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
