I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
