It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
