you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
