i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Randomize
