He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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