I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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