we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
