i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
