Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
