I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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