you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
