If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Just pee around me
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
