Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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