I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
