Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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