I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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