well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
