Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
