I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
