I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
