I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
