We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
