i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
