buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
