He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I intend to get homeless drunk
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
