Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
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