The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
