Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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