I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Randomize
