Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Ambien. No doubt about it.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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