Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
