looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
