he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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