I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Randomize
