so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
