worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
