I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
