I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
