You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
