Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I think your dad took our porno
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
