i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
