I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
