My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
