Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
