I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Randomize
