sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
