This dress was meant to end up on your floor
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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