this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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